6 Unexpected Ways We Pass On Our Family Values

by | Sep 28, 2020

If you’re a child of the 1980s, you might remember a certain anti-narcotics PSA that showed a mustachioed dad confronting his teenage son with a box of drug-related paraphernalia. “Who taught you how to do this stuff?” he asks. Eventually, the son shouts back the now-infamous phrase, “I learned it by watching you!”

The commercial made me laugh as a kid, but now that I’m a parent, I imagine my son saying that last line all the time. It’s not only drug use that kids pick up from watching their parents after all. It’s nearly everything. Everything from the silly way we slurp our soup (I’m looking at you, dear husband) to our broader family values is passed along to our kids by them watching us. As parents, we owe it to ourselves and our families to take a hard look at what we’re teaching.

Identifying Your Family Values

Before you became a parent, did you have an idea about what kind of parent you wanted to be? The ways in which you internally defined “good parenting” are reflective of yet more values. Perhaps those are what we would more traditionally assign as family values, like being kind, listening, eating meals together, or having elaborate holiday family traditions.  

If someone were to ask you what your personal values are, how would you respond? Honesty? Integrity? Those are sort of the same thing, aren’t they? Sense of humor? That’s more of a quality than value. Health? Okay, we’re getting there. Religious faith? For some, that’s a big deal. You’re on the right track, though. How about adaptability? Reliability? Financial stability? There’s so much to think about. And really, those are all family values too.

Unlike the saccharine endings of most ’80s TV family comedies (I’m looking at you TGIF lineup), teaching our children all of these values we supposedly have isn’t so easy as sitting down on their bed each night and giving a heartful speech. If we’re lucky, that may happen a few times.

We mostly pass on our values in an unconscious way through our everyday interactions, simple conversations, and how we use resources.

Here are six unexpected ways we teach our values to our children. If you think you might need some help redefining your values or getting in sync with your partner, stick around to the end for a pleasantly sweet surprise.

Unexpected Ways We Teach Family Values

Living Space and Family Values

01 – The Way We Keep Our Homes

How and what we keep in our homes is an open display of what we value spending our time and money on. Is your home generally tidy or a dusty hot mess? Do you keep knickknacks everywhere or scale back with carefully chosen decor? The individual items themselves, like books and films, also send a message to our kids about what we think is worth our attention.

Family Meetings and Family Values

02 – By Having Family Meetings

So maybe this one isn’t so unexpected as a way of teaching values. The unexpected thing is really whether your family has meetings or not. If recent events have taught us anything, it’s that being vocal and actively engaging in conversation about what we believe and cherish is one of the most important ways we can educate our children.

Conflict Resolution and Family Values

03 – In the Ways We Handle Conflict

The way we handle conflict can signal a sense of trust and resiliency and a desire to calmly and respectfully engage. Or, it can signal your value to be right and in charge. Your method of discipline (natural consequences vs. grounding, for example) is included here. Our free guide “Creating Your Ultimate Family Team” includes a very useful four-step process for respectfully resolving conflict.

Family Vacation and Family Values

04 – Your Choices for Family Activities

Are you a museum family or an amusement park family? Are you a camping family or an all-inclusive resort family? Do you let your children help plan your trips, or is everything handled by the adults? There’s nothing necessarily right or wrong about any of these options. Just remember that where you go and what you do when you get there says a lot about your priorities and your family values.

Long-Term Expectations and Family Values

05 – Your Short- and Long-Term Expectations

In the short term, what do you expect of your children while they’re living at home? Should they only be responsible for schoolwork and certain household tasks, or is teaching broader life skills part of their home education? In the long term, are there only a handful of jobs you’d find acceptable for your kids to pursue? Your narrowness or openness about what is appropriate or defines success can define how a child sees themselves for the rest of their lives.

Showing Affection and Family Values

06 – How You Show Love and Affection

This encompasses not only physical affection (though that’s a big part) but also our small acts of love, the notes, the extra scoop of ice cream, and the blanket after falling asleep on the couch. It includes the words we use and the decisions we make to postpone our own demands and at least listen to our children when they express a genuine need.

Aligning Family Values Moving Forward

It’s human nature not to think about something until it’s a problem. Many of us ignore our health until we’re in pain. We may not think about the importance of saving money until we’re holding a hefty bill in our hands and can’t afford to pay it.

Consciously identifying our values, making sure we’re aligned with our partners, and applying those values in a consistent and systematic way to our family life can easily slip through the cracks. It doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Proactive parents like you can do things differently.

Make that “I learned it by watching you” moment a point of joy and pride. No matter what ages your children are, it’s never too early or too late to start the process.

Our free workbook can help with every stage of the process.

FREE Workbook

At the Root of It: How Our Values Impact Our Outcomes, Experiences, and Fulfillment

An easy-to-use workbook to help you identify what truly matters and make consistent choices for everyone in the family.

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Somer Loomis

Somer is the Chief Content Officer at Birth2Work living in Redondo Beach, California with her husband and three-year-old son. She spent 10 years in the architecture field as a designer and medical planner and now applies her love of integrative thinking and big-picture planning to her family and career. Read full bio >>

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